Wilderness Wanderings

"Not all who wander are lost" wrote JRR Tolkien.  Lost or not, the experience of wandering in an unknown place - a wilderness - is not a comfortable one.  Whether it's a literal wilderness of an unknown land or the metaphorical wilderness of a life experience, for the Christian there are some recognizable landmarks and a promise of hope.

I've come to recognize that "wilderness experiences" have some common characteristics.  One of these is isolation. This is the season of aloneness, a season that can leave you wondering if there is really love to be found in this life.  It can make us doubt our perceptions.  Another is danger.  We know there are unknown (and sometimes known) pitfalls, yet, because we are alone, we can't take a break from being watchful.  It's exhausting.  Because of both isolation and danger, we can feel very vulnerable and subject to temptations.  Things that wouldn't entice us under ordinary circumstances can pull very powerfully on us during wilderness times. 

It is during these time that we realize how much we truly must depend on God for everything.  In fact, in looking back over the times in my life which have felt like a wilderness, I realize that the questions being posed are always the same - "Did God say?" and "Do you trust Him?" 

Another characteristic that wilderness experiences share is the one that encourages me that I'm not lost there.  It is this - they are temporary, designed by God and allowed in my life to prepare me for what He has coming next.  Moses, Elijah, Paul, and Jesus himself were all prepared for service in the wilderness.  So even though I feel the isolation, I know I'm not alone.  Many have walked this route before and found God to be always good and always faithful.  They are that "great cloud of witnesses" that Hebrews 12 mentions, continually urging me on by testifying to the greatness of our God.

I don't see the end yet to this bleak landscape I'm currently in, but each day gives me the opportunity to move forward in faith.  I'm wandering right now, but, thankfully, I'm not lost.

Why I'm a Terrible Blogger

All the conventional wisdom I've seen on blogging maintains that a good blogger needs to post regularly - daily, weekly, bi-weekly - in order to keep in touch with readers.  And I must confess,  I do have a couple of blogs that I read on a regular basis.  However, I'm never going to be a good blogger myself for a couple of reasons.

1) I don't have something worthwhile to say on a regular basis. :)  Most of the time I'm swimming in the mundane aspects of life and enjoying the beautiful things as they are flying by.  I'm a slow processor, so whipping out a quick blog isn't going to happen for me.

2) I am woefully aware of my tendency to be reactive and sharp-tongued.  I purposely keep things on hold while I try to think through the best way to write about a subject.  Again, this takes me a while, so I'm not one to generate a lot of impassioned posts on current topics.  "Where words are many, sin abounds." Proverbs 10:19

That being said, I've got a backlog of ideas to explore this summer, so I may just get out more than a quarterly blog!  Stay tuned. :)

I recently got an invitation from someone to join twitter.  I've thought about that a bit, and decided that my challenge in life is to NOT say the first thing that pops into my head.  Twitter would make me feel obligated to do otherwise.  So, no tweeting here.  I'm still working on this space, though.

Thoughts on Mother's Day

For my children: You make this day special for me.  Without your presence in my life, there would be a whole dimension missing.  I don't think I'd have learned the sweetness of sacrifice, the pangs that can accompany joy, or the elation that can come with small steps forward without you.  Most importantly, you have expanded my understanding of God's love as I've been amazed at the depth of joy I have in your growth and in your delighting in beauty and the good gifts of life.  Often I think, "If I feel this so intensely, how much more must God delight over His children."  I think you've made me a better child.

Thank you!  I love each of you with all my heart.
  Mom

Thoughts on working

How do you evaluate (or value) your work? This is on my mind right now as I evaluate student term papers and see the annual gap between students who take instruction and requirements to heart and students who don't.  It's obvious pretty quickly what a person values by what he or she brings to the table with work.

For some, the measure of value is money.  Do I put effort into something that isn't going to enhance my earning potential or professional reputation?  As an English teacher, I'm painfully aware of this standard in my students.  Many opt for minimal effort because they won't "need" writing skills, or so they think.

Closely related to pay is the "grade", which is essentially the measure another person puts on your work.  This is part of a good reputation, and isn't something to be dismissed lightly, but it won't necessarily carry you through working with integrity in situations where no one is going to give you any feedback.

Some folks are perfectionists.  They aren't satisfied unless their efforts yield a flawless or faultless result.  It's awfully hard to sustain perfectionism in every area, though, since we're finite.  Granted, some can do better/last longer than others, but I haven't know any perfectionists who haven't crashed and burned at some point along the way.

There is a balance I've been aiming for over the past few years, and it's closely tied to a model of growth and Biblical evaluation.  Paul says in Colossians, "And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord..." (3:23)  The point of value here is my heart. The emphasis is on perspective, not performance.  This doesn't allow room for apathy, or blowing things off, but it does allow for the reality of human shortcomings.  My "heartily" working with our checkbook isn't nearly as easy or satisfying as my "heartily" writing a book review.  However, the value is in the Evaluator - God views my work and sees the effort in context of my giftings and responsibilities.  And there's room for me to accept that, in some areas, I'm never going to be excellent in terms of performance compared to other people.  But, that doesn't make my work less valuable or unimportant in the perspective of eternal value. 

So, I'd better get back to work!

Meditations on Mercy

"The quality of mercy is not strain'd,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest:
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes."
          The Merchant of Venice  Act 4, scene 1


  We went to see Les Miserable yesterday and it was everything it had promised to be, as least as far as we were concerned.  It was a dark story in so many ways, with the depravity and cruelty of men front and center throughout the entire story.  The director and actors created a number of memorable moments, with Fantine's song "I Dreamed a Dream" being promoted as perhaps the most haunting. What has lingered in my mind, though, is the mystery and tragedy of Javert. 

  The theme of mercy, as everyone knows, is strong in this story.  It's not a Romanticized vision of mercy, though.  Those who receive mercy still struggle, still face injustice, still have pain and loneliness.  The transforming power of mercy is evident in the way it leads to life.  Mercy in Jean Valjean compells him to protect and help, to see the need in others rather than just his own need, and to grapple with the hard choices between doing what is right and doing what is expedient.  He learns to love because he is a man who has received mercy, but that transformation wasn't easy. He had to relinquish the very things that had defined him - his victimization, his anguish, his suffering.  In laying those things down, he finds his way forward in doing what good he can for others. Through this, he comes to love.  And it is this love which ultimately frees him from the fear of Javert.

   Javert's refusal of mercy is so hard for me to grasp.  How can a man stare mercy and love in the face and turn away to his own death?  This is where I think the story is the most profound.  The scope and depth of this refusal is in plain sight so we can't miss the reality of what's happening.  We can't ignore the consequences.  Javert doesn't go out as a strong individualist that we can admire.  He dies a pitiable man.  We don't rejoice at his defeat because he's a bad guy.  We hope, up until the last moment, that he'll change his mind, that he'll receive the mercy extended to him.  The choice, finally, is between life and death - a choice he sees very clearly.  His final refusal of mercy was, for me, the most heart-wrenching moment in the movie.  It took my breath away.

  I'm glad Javert's choice wasn't the last moment of the movie.  The last image in my mind is Valjean's prayer of blessing at the end of his life. This is mercy's work - to impart life.  And I find myself hoping that those seeing the film who, like Javert, might be on the precipice of choice will not follow his direction, but will, instead, open up to life, receiving and extending mercy.

Ten Things Good Teachers Know

Did you have a great teacher somewhere along the way?  I've been blessed with a few.  I've also had some real duds.  I've been thinking about the differences between really good teachers and mediocre ones, and here's one of my lists. (I'll have a longer entry later.)

10. Good teachers know they never leave work - or recognize that work never leaves them. :)

9.  Good teachers aren't afraid of students' questions.

8. A good teacher recognizes that the moment of achievement for a student should far outweigh the times of frustration.

7. Good teachers can patiently repeat and review.

6. Good teachers try to pinpoint and foster the creative strengths of students.

5. Good teachers are willing to say "I don't know;" followed by "I'll try to find out."

4. A good teacher is willing to say "I was wrong.  Here's the correction."

3.  A good teacher has a lively curiosity and is always learning.

2.  Good teachers are passionate about their subjects.

1. Good teachers care about the individuals they teach every single year! 

Dignity and Beauty

This past week I took my mom to see a new doctor.  As we entered the office, we heard unusual sounds coming from the waiting room.  An elderly woman in a wheelchair was making, for want of a better description, animal sounds - growling, yelping, screeching.  As unnerved as my mom was, she took my arm and went on in to be seated and wait for her appointment.  It was clear that the woman in the waiting room was a stroke victim.  As the next few minutes went by, I gained an appreciation for the power of love and devotion in action.

There were two other women with her - a relative and a caregiver.  They were engaging her in conversation, checking with her to make sure they were correctly interpreting her sounds.  The caregiver was carefully feeding her bits of soft banana (she had no teeth) and cleaning her mouth as she finished chewing each bite.  She would say, "That's good, isn't it?"  and "I'm glad you like this banana."  In many ways, it was reminiscent of a mother with a child - articulating and interpreting an experience for someone who was non-verbal.  After a bit, the old lady waved at my mom and "spoke" to her as well, and mom, always a people person, greeted her with a "good morning!" 

I had time to observe these ladies closely in the few minutes we had together in that waiting room.  The caregiver and the relative had taken time to prepare her for this appointment.  She was in clean clothes, and her grey hair had been pulled back and a tidy hair-piece (bun) placed on top.  She didn't have much hair anymore, but I guessed that they had tried to arrange it in the way she used to wear it.  She had real shoes on - not slippers.  Most impressive to me, though, was her confidence.  Even though she couldn't talk anymore, she was still mentally active and wanted to be engaged with those around her.  More outstanding than that, though, was the dignity that she had, even as an incapacitated person.  The careful attention to the details of her care helped convey that.

 A quick glance through that waiting room that morning would not have revealed anything particularly outstanding, but witnessing the love and care extended to this old woman was like witnessing an unexpected rainbow - delightful and beautiful.  She will be in my mind for a long time.