I love my GPS. When I first started using it, I already had some favorite routes for getting in and out of my side of town. When I would go to a new place, the GPS would usually direct me a different way. I would ignore that, of course, and hear the automated voice say "recalculating" to adjust for the new directions. Sometimes I heard that a lot.
That's what life is like right now - adjustments. I never know from day to day what I will find or have to respond to in caregiving. Some days I feel guilty at the end because I had gaps of time that I didn't use productively. Other days I'm relieved that we get to bedtime with everyone fed something. This is not the "me" I've been used to.
Before this season of caregiving, I loved planning. Organizers and charts were my friend. I had running lists for chores, groceries, clothing items, household projects, etc. Now I find that planning a week's menu feels like scaling a mountain. I've been so frustrated by that, feeling like I'm somehow losing myself and my orientation to life around me. I want to be able to manage efficiently, but I just can't get that "jump start" to get going again in that direction.
I find myself wondering if this is a response to the uncertainty of life, if there's a part of me that just feels overwhelmed and responds with "why bother". That's not on the surface of my thinking, but it is a possibility, I think. At the more practical level, there's a learning curve to what I'm doing and I know much emotional and intellectual energy is going in a lot of new directions. Maybe things will settle.
At any rate, I have been so thankful for the peace that comes from knowing my God has the map in hand. With each new challenge, I can look to Him for recalculating so I can continue to faithfully follow the course that's been set for me. This is often in my mind - "...let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith...". Heb. 12: 1-2