Monday, January 19, 2015


I love my GPS.  When I first started using it, I already had some favorite routes for getting in and out of my side of town.  When I would go to a new place, the GPS would usually direct me a different way.  I would ignore that, of course, and hear the automated voice say "recalculating" to adjust for the new directions.  Sometimes I heard that a lot.
That's what life is like right now - adjustments.  I never know from day to day what I will find or have to respond to in caregiving.  Some days I feel guilty at the end because I had gaps of time that I didn't use productively.  Other days I'm relieved that we get to bedtime with everyone fed something.   This is not the "me" I've been used to.

Before this season of caregiving, I loved planning.  Organizers and charts were my friend.  I had running lists for chores, groceries, clothing items, household projects, etc.  Now I find that planning a week's menu feels like scaling a mountain.  I've been so frustrated by that, feeling like I'm somehow losing myself and my orientation to life around me.  I want to be able to manage efficiently, but I just can't get that "jump start" to get going again in that direction.

I find myself wondering if this is a response to the uncertainty of life, if there's a part of me that just feels overwhelmed and responds with "why bother".  That's not on the surface of my thinking, but it is a possibility, I think.  At the more practical level, there's a learning curve to what I'm doing and I know much emotional and intellectual energy is going in a lot of new directions.  Maybe things will settle.

At any rate, I have been so thankful for the peace that comes from knowing my God has the map in hand.  With each new challenge, I can look to Him for recalculating so I can continue to faithfully follow the course that's been set for me.  This is often in my mind - "...let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith...".  Heb. 12: 1-2